You’re really thinking about helping others; I see all the good things you are doing. You should be proud of yourself. I am going to put marbles in the jar every time I see you making good choices.” Experts are mixed on the effectiveness of rewards for children. But in general, most scientific literature tends to show that rewards and punishments can both be effective when used properly in the right context: They say the most powerful reinforcement schedule for instilling a permanent behavior is variable ratio, meaning rewards are disbursed for good behavior at an almost completely random, unpredictable rate.) The traditional idea was to encourage positive behavior and discourage negative behavior. Instead, behavior charts publicly shame children, and many parents and schools have left them behind.

Instead of offering them a prize for doing what you want, perhaps try offering them a choice between two acceptable options. Ask them, ‘How do we solve this?’ and see what they say,” Dr. Kennedy-Moore says. Their first suggestions may be unreasonable, but keep digging and workshopping with them until you can come up with a workable compromise.Getting praise or positive reinforcement feels good! And when we can immediately connect that good feeling to the positive behavior, our brain will start to anticipate that good feeling and encourage us to continue that behavior. When they are towards the end (with about 5 cotton balls to go), they will be REALLY trying hard to receive rewards (cotton balls)! As an example, two of our kids had less than two cotton balls to go in their jars before they were filled and they were doing everything to earn them:

Punishments can be very effective at getting human beings, big and small, to stop or avoid negative behaviors.The one thing to remember is that when you use rewards in unplanned moments of chaos, that’s probably a bribe! Our oldest children have rubber bands higher on the jar because they are older & they need to get more cotton balls.